12 Days of Static: I Want To Wanna Wake Up (4)

12 days wanna

12 Days of Static: Jill Janus takes you on a track-by-track journey through the new “Melodic Metal Masterpiece” by Huntress, out 09/25/15 on Napalm Records. Watch for posts here & join us September 10th-21st at www.HuntressKills.com

(Warning: This shit is heavy)

I WANT TO WANNA WAKE UP – Track 4

There are songs on Static that were very cathartic. “I Want To Wanna Wake Up” is one of those. I recently shared my life-long struggle with various mental illnesses in Revolver Magazine and had planned to do so on the third Huntress album. Since we signed to Napalm Records, I knew that Spell Eater and Starbound Beast would be stepping stones to Static – the final album in the Huntress/Napalm trilogy. The title “I Want To Wanna Wake Up” came from Blake Meahl (guitarist). He and I were writing one album a year, recording between non-stop touring and band members were overwhelmed with the pace. We were tired.

The music told another tale to me; it triggered memories of my battle with multiple personality disorder, now known as dissociative identity disorder. I lived my twenties shifting between identities uncontrollably. The most notable was “Penelope Tuesdae,” a name I created as a nightlife persona. However, this identity developed into a dangerous mutation of who I really am. I spent 10 years fighting to shed her. I was high-functioning and successful, also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. I refused medications…until I was hospitalized after something very bad happened.

In February 2001, I remember sitting on my sofa and gazing down at my breasts. I was sore and felt sick. Within moments clarity returned and terror took hold when I realized I had breast augmentation surgery, but could not remember doing so. I was living as another person and making life altering changes to my body. I had breast implants and I never wanted them. She did. The surgery cost $8000, which I had unknowingly charged to my credit card.

The lyrics for “I Want To Wanna Wake Up” reflect my struggle with DID. “Since the day I was born, I transform…mutations and the sadness turning brings, I want to wanna wake up.” I’m now awake, I’m in control, I’m medicated. Life is weird and wonderful!

Fun fact (cuz we need some fun after all that): Blake Meahl wrote the music for “I Want To Wanna Wake Up” and the working title was “Boogie Cookies!”

I Want To Wanna Wake Up

I have dreams of what I used to be
Lifetimes fail and fall
I always leave them all behind

I’m in pain but I hurt you worse
Save yourself from me, stop the torture and deceit

Since the day I was born, I transform

I’m packing it up
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
Bound to the trouble that I’ve made
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
I can’t get away

Years drift by and I forget
How to play the game
I will find another name

No regrets, I want revenge on my head

I’m packing it up
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
Bound to the trouble that I’ve made
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
I can’t get away

Shaft-shifting life away
Mutations and the sadness turning brings
I Want To Wanna Wake Up

I’m in pain but I hurt you worse
Save yourself from me, end the torture finally

Since the day I was born, I transform

I’m packing it up
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
Bound to the trouble that I’ve made
I Want To Wanna Wake Up
I can’t get away

Shaft-shifting life away
Mutations and the sadness turning brings
I Want To Wanna Wake Up

Lyrics © Jill Janus 2015

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